#tire

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization, but it’s only for show, I don’t really care if I have ultraviolet traces of urine or feces on my hands. But, if I see someone walk oudda the men’s without soaping up I’ll think he’s deranged, borderline psychotic. At least pretend that washing your hands matters. You know, for the sake of civilization. ↗

— Shannon Lyndsy

#hygiene #satire #humor

I said never mix business with pleasure. They said it was a pleasure doing business with me. ↗

— Nikhil Sharda

#humourous #puns #satire-write #business

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters as the avoidance of space bullets, so they won't give NASA the money ↗

— Robert Brockway

#humor #satire #science #business

I thought I was dreaming. It was the most amazing moment of my entire life. Not only is Bill the love of my life, but he's also my best friend. I couldn't believe my dream guy was asking me to marry him! ↗

— Giuliana Rancic

#amazing #asking #believe #best #best friend

I'm getting a little tired of everybody quoting Ronald Reagan. ↗

— Michael Reagan

#getting #i #little #quoting #reagan

We were putting into these gomers our fear of death, but who knew if they feared death? Perhaps they welcomed death like a dear long-lost cousin, grown old but still known, coming to visit, relieving the loneliness, the failing of the senses, the fury of the half-blind looking into the mirror and not recognizing who is looking back, a dear friend, a dear reliever, a healer who would be with them for an eternity, the same eternity as the long ago, before birth. ↗

— Samuel Shem

#satire #death

For you, my darlings, freedom to do what you like is the discovery of how unlikable what you like to do makes you. Not that that stops you doing what you like, since you like doing what you like more than you like liking what you do... [Lucifer] ↗

— Glen Duncan

#satire #theology #freedom

I've literally, in my entire life I've had two guys come up to me and ask me out. Other than that I have had to go and try to like spend time with them, or sort of start the conversation, basically like spell it out in a Sharpie, like, you know? ↗

— Jennifer Love Hewitt

#basically #come #conversation #entire #entire life

They should hold themselves absolutely upon the immovable foundation of truth and nature, whereby alone they can save themselves from misapprehensions and from the danger of being entirely carried away from reality into mere dreams and fictions. ↗

— Ethan A. Hitchcock

#alone #away #being #carried #danger

My parents were drawn to the idea that there was space and opportunity in Australia. For the meagre sum of £10, you could sail your entire family out to Australia, so that's what my father chose to do. ↗

— Hugh Jackman

#chose #could #drawn #entire #entire family