#tis

He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is that it, Dad? I've got to go.' 'Your Mum said I should mention ... um ... satisfaction.' 'What!' 'She said young men should know things, should be told things so that the girl won't be ...' his eyes plead for understanding, '... disappointed.' [...] 'No worries, Dad. My biology teacher said I was a natural.' Dad looks confused. 'I'm kidding, Dad.' [...] Poor bloke, having to do the dirty work while Mum's off with her gang. 'Dad? What did Grandpa tell you about sex?' 'He said if I got a girl pregnant, he'd kill me. ↗

— Steven Herrick

#female-satisfaction #funny #sex-talk #funny

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#dark-humor #ego #egotism #egotist #funny

My mom's a mad scientist. It's a lot like being a regular scientist, except without worrying about legal or moral limitations, and it's a commom profession among the scientifically inclined supervillain. ↗

— Chelsea Campbell

#mad-scientists #supervillains #funny

Henry Denton: You Brits really don't have a sense of humor do you? Elsie: We do if something's funny, sir. ↗

— Julian Fellowes

#humor #funny

But the artist appeals to that part of our being which is not dependent on wisdom; to that in us which is a gift and not an acquisition— and, therefore, more permanently enduring. He speaks to our capacity for delight and wonder, to the sense of mystery surrounding our lives; to our sense of pity, and beauty, and pain; to the latent feeling of fellowship with all creation— and to the subtle but invincible conviction of solidarity that knits together the loneliness of innumerable hearts, to the solidarity in dreams, in joy, in sorrow, in aspirations, in illusions, in hope, in fear, which binds men to each other, which binds together all humanity— the dead to the living and the living to the unborn. ↗

— Joseph Conrad

#artists #writers #writing #art

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #sarcasm #taste #humor

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey. ↗

— Banksy

#obesity #statistics #humor

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs. The homely hen lays one. Codfish never cackles to tell you what she has done. And so we scorn the codfish, while the humble hen we prize, which only goes to show you that it pays to advertise! ↗

— Nikhil Sharda

#humour-quote #poetry-quotes #home

Artistry exists in everyone. What makes it blossom is a soul's personal desire to find an outlet for expression. ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#author #creativity #expression #personal-expression #richelle

But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?' I understand. So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants. a) Do you have a vagina? and b) Do you want to be in charge of it? If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist. ↗

— Caitlin Moran

#feminism #humor #humor