#u

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor #humor

No one else understands us 7th sense people. They regard us as freaks. When we point out illiterate mistakes, we are often aggressively instructed to 'get a life' by people who, interestingly, display no evidence of having lives themselves. ↗

— Lynne Truss

#humor

Better than a sharp stick in the eye. ↗

— James Williams

#life #humor

Meanwhile, back at reality..."- G.Lucas ↗

— Robert Lynn Asprin

#humor #humor

Justin: "Say hi to Paul Thompson for me," he added. Madeline: "Garrlgh," I gagged. The corner of his lips curled up. Justin: "What was that?" Madeline: "That was vomit creeping up the back of my mouth when you mentioned Paul's name. ↗

— Katie Kacvinsky

#humor

My high school guidance counselor, Mrs. Inverholl, once had me take an aptitude test to figure out my future. The number one job recommendation for my set of skills was an air traffic accident investigator, of which there are fewer than fifty in the world. The number two job was a museum curator for Chinese-American studies. The number three job was a circus clown. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#jobs #humor

Off with their heads!" the woman screamed. "Off with their stinking, boring heads!"" Redd, The Looking Class Wars ↗

— Frank Beddor

#humor

You know i don't like you, right?" "You've made that very clear, yes." said Magwich. "Well" Charles continued, "whenever we've met, you've demonstrated all the qualities i don't want to have. And I try to better myself so I don't become like you. So in a way..." "My bad example is making you a better person?" finished Magwich. "something like that." said Charles. "If it wasn't for people like you, I don't think I would try so hard. And honestly, you're the worst i've ever encountered." "Oh, you're just saying that." said Magwich. "No, I really mean it. ↗

— James Owen

#humor

If you sense that someone feels disconnected, reach out to them," the speaker urges. "buy them a soda. Compliment their new hairdo. It'll make them feel better, and you'll feel better knowing you've been a channel of grace." Jolene leans over and whispers, "My pen is feeling disconnected. Will you be a channel of grave and get it for me?" ********** Chelsea, quit picking at your scab," a girl in front of me says to her friend as we file out. "It's gross." Then she gasps in mock horror. "Or maybe it's a cry for help! Be strong, Chelsea! Stay with the living! ↗

— Lauren Myracle

#humor