#u

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#depressing #get #good #how #i

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#days #haven #i #long #slept

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#still #too #used

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cause #down #i #know #necklace

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#flyer #hands #here #like #saying

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#disillusion #go #here #i #i am

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#banana #friend #frozen #i #later

So I do have to work, you know, and I find as many movies and TV shows that I can, because otherwise I wouldn't have an income. ↗

— Tippi Hedren

#find #i #i can #i do #income

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#because #bought #caring #got #i