#um

As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...] ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#politeness #humor

I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons. ↗

— Stephanie Perkins

#humor

I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #sarcasm #humor

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?" Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor

Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this? A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work! BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maxride #humor

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books. ↗

— Mary Ann Shaffer

#reading #humor

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fred-astaire #humor #laughter #soul #sound

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#humor

The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.) ↗

— William Goldman

#humor #love #humor