#um

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor #humorous #humor

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humorous-comebacks #inflation #sarcasm #seller #humor

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people, some of the time, but you can fool yourself anytime you need to badly enough. ↗

— Hilari Bell

#humor

Can't you home school me?" Nate pleaded. "You would never do any work." (Nate's mom) "Sounds perfect! ↗

— Brandon Mull

#humor #humor

You made me feel less alone; you made me feel not quite so deformed, uninformed and hunchbacked. ↗

— Morrissey

#life #love #lyrics #music #humor

Commander: What's that? Foaly: It's a finger, what does look like? ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor

Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?" Sin: "Clive, I was with you from 'I'm a social worker. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#young-adult #humor

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#humorous-quotations #philosophical #humor

If you make a deal with a fool, don't be surprised when they act foolishly. ↗

— Jeffrey Archer

#philosophical #humor