#w

Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife ↗

— Ruth Downie

#ruth-downie #terra-incognita #valens #funny

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #job #working #funny

If you're heading downtown from Centeral Park, my advice is to take the subway. Flying pigs are faster but way more dangerous ↗

— Rick Riordan

#flying-pigs #funny-and-random #subways #funny

Walking down the beach alone at night when my headband flashlight has run out of batteries, and hearing sailors’ cries for help as their boats run up against the rocky coastline, and then getting a ticket from a policeman for improper lighthouse navigation behavior ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny-and-random #lighthouse #shipwreck #funny

You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #writing #funny

Look, a mushroom cloud!” “Releasing fungus on us, huh? Hold your nose. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #nuclear-war #funny

You are not showing her my baby pictures!” He sounded horrified, which made me laugh. “Come on, Evan,” I teased with a laughing smile, “you were adorable. ↗

— Rebecca Donovan

#baby-pictures #breathing #emma-thomas #evan-mathews #funny

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?" "Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humor #irony #men #weapons

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#athena #funny #humor #lol #wicked

Funny thing how it is. If a man owns a little property, that property is him, it's part of him, and it's like him. If he owns property only so he can walk on it and handle it and be sad when it isn't doing well, and feel fine when the rain falls on it, that property is him, and some way he's bigger because he owns it. Even if he isn't successful he's big with his property. That is so.' 'But let a man get property he doesn't see, or can't take time to get his fingers in, or can't be there to walk on it - why, then the property is the man. He can't do what he wants, he can't think what he wants. The property is the man, stronger than he is. And he is small, not big. Only his possessions are big - and he's the servant of his property. That is so, too. ↗

— John Steinbeck

#ownership #funny