#w

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ↗

— Steven Wright

#brings #i #i think #many #memories

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' ↗

— Steven Wright

#down #front #got #grocery #guy

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' ↗

— Steven Wright

#asked #did #few #girlfriend #good

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? ↗

— Steven Wright

#george #george washington #id #just #out

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? ↗

— Steven Wright

#how #know #misspelled #were #word

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#collection #i #keep #largest #perhaps

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. ↗

— Steven Wright

#claus #got #missing #moved #now

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. ↗

— Steven Wright

#factory #fire #hydrant #i #near

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. ↗

— Steven Wright

#future #i #off #only #peripheral

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. ↗

— Steven Wright

#asleep #falls #hand #hate #know