#z

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.' Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.' Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.' Stark~ 'Deal.' Zoey~ 'Deal. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#stark #zoey #funny

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. “Narcissus is a loser! He’s so weak, he can’t bench-press a Kleenex. He’s so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it’s got a picture of Narcissus—only the picture’s so ugly, no one ever checks it out. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#leo-valdez #funny

When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he sighed. The Enemy of Old fucking sighed. Dear gods, it’d finally happened to him. Happiness. Then his own fangs sharpened.I will kill anyone who tries to take this feeling away from me. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #happiness #immortals-after-dark #kresley-cole #lothaire

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #fun-absurd #funny #horses #humor

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica? 
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— Jarod Kintz

#accompany #bizarre #funny #harmonica #humor

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #bizarre #drink #freeze #froze

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #jazz #music #funny

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #individuality #originality #reading