#z

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ↗

— Paul Terry

#humor #laziness #misattributed-to-hutchins #humor

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bald #baldness #bond #bonding #eyebrows

I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments. ↗

— Nick Hornby

#dark-humor #fiction #personal-insight #rob-gordon #humor

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. ↗

— Steven Wright

#i #unauthorized #writing

Civilization is vastly overrated. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #humor

Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm. "Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?" "The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember ↗

— Rick Riordan

#camp-jupiter #hazel-levesque #heroes-of-olympus #humor #percy-jackson

Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!” “Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#heroes-of-olympus #humor #kansas #leo-valdez #percy-jackson-and-the-olympians

Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!” She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#heroes-of-olympus #humor #percy-jackson-and-the-olympians #the-mark-of-athena #humor

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #breakfast #eaten #funny #grinning

Sometimes I do smart things. Sometimes I do dumb things. Most of the time I don't do anything. ↗

— Gorilla Rising Hintz

#laziness #humor