#z

So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something? --Z P.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn't mind. Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry) ↗

— Ally Carter

#gallgher-girls #humor #laugh-out-loud #zach #humor

I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless) Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church." Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough." Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still) Max: "No, you're visible." Iggy: "Am not!" Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you? ↗

— James Patterson

#gazzy #humor #iggy #invisibility #max

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#employment #hilarious #humor #jarod-kintz #job

Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you? ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #humor

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself. ↗

— Steven Moffat

#humor #humour #magazine #pebbles #train

When they ran up to him, Percy said, 'Hey,' like they were just meeting for lunch or something. 'You're alive!' Frank marveled. Percy frowned. 'The fall? That was nothing. I fell twice that far from the St. Louis Arch.' 'You did what?' Hazel asked. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#hazel #humor #percy #humor

I must have your promise, Coach, that you won't hurt her." "I promise." "You spoke a bit too quickly for my taste. I don't quite believe you." "I'm a man of my word, and I promise that I won't hurt her.When I murder her, I'll do it real quick, so she won't feel a thing." Viktor sighed. "That's exactly what I was afraid of. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #susan-elizabeth-phillips #humor

Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right? ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#zombies #humor

Brains, BRAINS, BRains, brains, BRAINS. BRaiNS, brains, Brains, BRAINS, BRains, brains, BRAINS. BRAINS, BRains, brains, BRAINS, brains. ↗

— Ryan Mecum

#haiku #horror #humor #zombies #humor

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor #jazz #miles-davis #humor