Avoidance Confessions

My best friend told me that he’s dying and I haven’t talked to him over 10 days. I just ghosted him. I don’t know why, I just freaked. I was already mad at him because he called me out on some of my bs and instead of not defending myself as usual I vanish and hide as if it never happened. I’ve done this for decades when it becomes tough and not easy.

He’s a very blunt, honest guy, but I don’t know if I’m just too afraid to confront the fact he’s dying or I’m still mad that he called me out on my avoidance and confrontation issues. He said he’s been trying to find a way to tell me for a while because I’m so fragile and emotional and look what I do, I ghost him.

My husband doesn’t like him because he figured him out in 5 seconds and I sense jealousy. He knows we have this connection that we never have had and my friend knew my husband was a terrible braggart because he had low self esteem. He knew in seconds. He was right though.

We rarely saw each other much in many years because of my avoidance issues but my husband is obviously a factor. We never slept together, but we both wanted to. I love him, so why did I do this to him when he needs me the most?

Do I secretly hate him because he’s sick and dying like all my relatives back home I never get to see either? I don’t know what to do now that it’s been so long and he flipped out saying how cold I was being and his friend accused me of being a child that needs to grow up.

We’re in our mid 40s as it is but I can’t figure out exactly why I did this at all and am still doing it. I pretend I’m ok, but I keep thinking of him, then have sex with my husband and think of him. No matter what I do I think of him and want to cry but also smack myself in the face and seek him out and apologize.

I don’t know why I did this but I can’t seem to stop. Am I weak and a horrible friend? Am I what he said I was, or am I just a b**ch and in denial? I just don’t know, yet I keep avoiding the best friend I ever had who never treated me bad like everyone else did. Do I just deserve to be miserable or am I just a horrible, weak person? I honestly don’t know anymore and I hate myself and often cry for hours. I just can’t stop.

#denial   #avoidance   #fear   #ghosting   #friend   #love  

I pretend that I’m happy by taking pictures of myself hiding in tons of makeup because I gained lots of weight because I’m an alcoholic. Any addiction or obsession I will latch onto so I don’t have to feel unless it’s pleasure. I avoid, hide and conform from and to others so I don’t have to be in control of any situation. I’m a follower, a fraud and a horrible friend.

I ghost when things become to real for me which in turn ruins many relationships both good and bad. I ghosted my best friend because he called me out on my bs. He says it’s what real friends do and he’s right. I guess I was never a real friend because I vanish when things become too tough for me and I hide behind makeup to attempt to look good like I once was. I’ll drink, get high or sleep with whomever to escape the fraud that I am.

#fraud   #avoidance   #hide   #friendship