Crap Confessions

Cat crapped in floor. Roommates ask me what to do. Really? It’s cat crap. I said leave it and let the owner clean it up.
So now one of them has stepped in it. I can tell I’m the only one who grew up on a farm. So they told me they stepped in it.
Uuugggg. Yet they laughed when they learned my daughter can bow hunt and power lift.
They told me my daughter would never get a man dressing like she does and being so manly.
My daughter is now dating a 6’ 5” blond male with blue eyes whose dad owns a large farm. He wears a cowboy hat and drives a big truck. He’s very nice and polite. I’m good with her choice.
I wonder how old my daughter will be; after several years of complaining about me, when she realizes she’s dating white versions of her dad.
It’s like after years of marriage when my wife realized she married a bigger version of her grandpa. And that her mom did too in her first marriage. But is now married to a male version of herself, & they never hug or kiss. They just do the same things and endlessly complain.

#crap   #marriage  

Roommates have lots of pets. They fight. Bark. Hiss. Tear up. Only one is clean and doesn’t smell like litter box. I have two great fine tuned squirt bottles. The cats get wet face. I’ll hunt them. They even look at my room. Squirt. The dogs get it easier and harder when owners are gone. Special mix of powder and water. Itches. Burns a little. Like when yuh used to prank friends with itching powder. They come home or wake up & a dog is whining and scratching. Whatever.
They mostly steer clear of my room.
Sounds mean? I hear them yelling and cussing. That dog bit me. It ate my shoe. It drug the ham off the table. The cats in the food. It got litter on the food. It chewed a hole in the cushion. It tore up my new shirt. Damn it. Don’t scratch. Get your muddy feet off my dress. I have a date. Now I’ve got to change.
Those damn dogs woke me up all night. I have to goto work. Your dog shit on my carpet.
Help me get the dog. It’s chasing a car. It’s in the neighbors yard barking at 2am. The neighbors cussed me out.
They talk to the animals like humans. Mr shit please get down. That’s the dog that eats shit. There’s a black cat named......black cat.
Mr shit; please quit eating shit.
Here’s a hint. They don’t speak English. However; they do learn that getting in my room makes their nose burn and itch.
Oh Mr shit. What’s wrong. Come see moma mr shit. You wanna go for a ride mr shit.
I love to hear them wonder. You ever notice mr shit doesn’t try to get in his room. I know. He got in my room last night and got in my bed. He stinks. Now my sheets smell like wet dog shit.
I’m not sure how to train the females to quit walking in when I’m nude. Or to get them to wear at least underwear. But I have got the zoo animals under some control.

#crap   #dog   #cat   #rabbit   #gerbil   #fish   #bird   #chicken