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When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Anorexia after taking a really bad mental fall. It's been many years later and I never fully recovered, but I find myself constantly restricting and vomiting, and always feeling disgusted with myself. I have a 19.7 BMI, but it's not good enough. I really want to get underweight to prove to others that I am skinny, I am in control, I want to scare people, I find a numbing feeling that comes with this, and I love it.
Of course, the side effects of the disease is wretched and I think of how lovely recovery would be. I'm not here to get hate, Im just here to confess. I already seek therapy.
I feel guilty about losing weight. I am beginning to skip meals more than just sometimes. My best friend struggles with her body image, I do too. Before I started to change my lifestyle to get the body I strive for, she would tell me that she would die to look like me. She wants to look like me... I don't even want to look at myself, I don't know why anyone would want my ugly body. Now that I have lost weight she just wants to look like me more. She doesn't copy me or anything she just wants my body. When I occasionally talk about how I struggle with the way I see myself she denies my insecurities and says I'm not fat. I feel like when I talk about how I don't like my body, she may take it as I don't like hers either because she is bigger than I am. Which is in no way true. It feels like its unfair on her half.
(bad spelling in this, prob won't make sense. I just needed to rant)
Trigger warning : eating disorder
Recently I've been struggling with my eating disorder again and I don't really know what to do because I literally cant get myself to eat but I feel like I need to throw up all the time and I'm loosing so much weight I went from being 150 to almost 115 I don't really know how to deal with it because I still feel disgusting
#tw #ed #eatingdisorder #advise
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