#ai

My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#humor #kaidan #love #humor

I'm taking a quick shower. I'm gross. I need to be clean." "You shouldn't be doing that." The door handle jingled. It wasn't locked. "Alex!" "I'm naked," I warned. Silence and then, "Is that supposed to make me not want to come in there? ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#alex #deity #humor #humor

My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said ‘Rainbow’.... and I was punished to stand out of my class. ↗

— Saket Assertive

#humor #life #philosophy #rainbow #humor

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the human head carry around several pounds of unnecessary gray goo if its only real purpose was, for example, to serve as a delicacy for certain remote tribesmen in unexplored valleys. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #humor

I drank some too-hot coffee and scowled at him, annoyed although I couldn't remember why. The light from the lounge was leaking in, highlighting his spiky blond hair. I decided that must be it. "You really hate my hair, don't you?" he asked, a smile flickering over his lips so fast I might have imagined it. "Yeah" "Why?" I reached out to touch it, and was surprised as always to find it mostly soft. Just a little stiff in places from whatever product he used on it. It felt weird, imagining Pritkin having anything in his hair but sweat. But he must have; nobody's did that all on its own. "It's like...angry hair," I said, trying to pat it down and failing miserably. He caught my wrist. "Most people would say that suits me." "I'm not most people." "I know. ↗

— Karen Chance

#cassie-palmer #pritkin #imagination

People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the world to see: chicken fried steak, overcooked vegetables, no working knowledge of any major Italian movie directors--the list went on and on. ↗

— David Sedaris

#naked #trailer #humor

Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit. ↗

— Earl Mac Rauch

#humor #humor

Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity ↗

— Arthur Nersesian

#humor #pathos #standards #young-people #humor

I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism. ↗

— Veronica Blade

#growing-up #humor #humorous #humor

The humans were sitting cross-legged on the floor in a circle of soldiers, pointing at things and learning more Chimaera words: salt, rat, eat, which unfortunate combination led to Zuzana rejecting the meat on her plate. "I think it's chicken," Mik said, taking a bite. "I'm just saying there were a lot more rats around here earlier." "Circumstantial evidence." Mik took another bite and said, in passable Chimaera and to guffaws of laughter, "Salty delicious rat." "It's chicken," insisted one of the Shadows That Live. Karou wasn't sure which it was, but she was flapping her arms like wings, and even producing chicken bones to prove it. ↗

— Laini Taylor

#days-of-blood-and-starlight #humor #laini-taylor #mik #zuzana