#aw

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #choice #funny #humor #money

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #itch #itching

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blindfold #funny #humor #karate

The first place where self-esteem begins its journey is within us. ↗

— Stephen Richards

#cosmic-ordering #law-of-attraction #mind-body-spirit #mind-power #money

I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me. ↗

— Peter Cameron

#loner #social-awkwardness #humor

Yes! I'm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don't understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That's the kind of person I am! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#nerdy #self-awareness #humor

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married." -Leo Hathaway to Cat- ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#hathaways #humor #leo #marriage #humor