#book

I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy. ↗

— Kiersten White

#evie #humor #vampires #humor

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #humor

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. ↗

— Nora Ephron

#dark-side #die #end #finish #first

After a time he fell asleep, and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#funny #humor #humour #funny

I’m the sexiest of them all! - Carol ↗

— Matthew Leeth

#funny #horror #matthew-leeth #me #she-was-different

If I were you, I'd go and do that. : Vikalp That's why you're not me! : Yatharth. ↗

— Shubham Choudhary

#funny #my-ex-fell-in-love #funny

Okay. Take a peek, but I swear if you try anything funny, I’ll beat your head in with my flashlight. ↗

— Shannon K. Butcher

#book- #funny

The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

But when we moved to the country, miles from the nearest restaurant, his hints anent his favorite dies grew so insistent that it became a question of tripe or divorce, and for a short time it was a difficult decision. ↗

— Margaret Yardley Potter

#marriage #tripe #home

I dinnae get people, like they all want to be watched, to be seen, like all the time. They put up their pictures online and let people they dinnae like look at them! And people they’ve never met as well, and they all pretend tae be shinier than they are – and some are even posting on like four sites; their bosses are watching them at work, the cameras watch them on the bus, and on the train, and in Boots, and even outside the chip shop. Then even at home – they’re going online to look and see who they can watch, and to check who’s watching them! ↗

— Jenni Fagan

#humorous #internet #online #social-media #watching