#ch

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane! ↗

— J.B. Stanley

#christmas #humor #murder #pretend #santa

In a book, even the real bastards can't hurt you. And you can never loose a friend you make in a book. When you get to a sad part, no one's there to see you cry. Or wonder why you don't cry when you should. ↗

— Dean Koontz

#characters #friends #humor #life #people

Warning: Contains old friends, old enemies, a dramatic cat rescue, soft drink references and a lot of teasing before the steamy sex. Readers are cautioned against drinking any beverage while reading to avoid accidental snorting or spraying of said beverages. ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#k-a-mitchell #warning #humor

Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#fight-club #humor #humor

I do not care to speak ill of a man behind his back, but I believe he is an attorney. ↗

— Samuel Johnson

#cheapshots #humor #humor

Cartooning is preaching. And I think we have a right to do some preaching. I hate shallow humor. I hate shallow religious humor, I hate shallow sports humor, I hate shallowness of any kind. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#cartoons #humor #preaching #shallow #shallowness

Michael: Barzini will set me up through somebody close... that, supposedly, I won't suspect. Hagen: Somebody like me. Michael: You're Irish, they won't trust you. Hagen: I'm German-American. Michael: To them that's Irish. ↗

— Mario Puzo

#michael-corleone #the-godfather #tom-hagen #humor

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#holidays #humor #poison #humor

But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriend's brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didn't know what it was. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#humor #if-i-die #rachel-vincent #soul-screamers #true

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole. ↗

— David Sedaris

#christmas #humor #santa #humor