#con

What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said. ↗

— Toni Blake

#funny #humour #romance #funny

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] “When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don’t grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you’d concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs! ↗

— A.G. Starling

#contemporary-romance #funny #game #lizzie-bennet #love

The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one. ↗

— Bauvard

#dinner #funny #gossip #humor #table-manners

When a court officer suggested quarantine for Nerissa, she grabbed the man's pen and jammed it into the back of his hand, screaming that he was a Crimson Guard witch come to remove her memories and replace them with bird-song. They decided to skip quarantine after that. ↗

— Caitlin Kittredge

#lovely-way-with-words #mental-image #funny

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod. ↗

— A.G. Phillips

#funny #humor #peace #peas #quote

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#control-freaks #control-issues #cynic #cynical #cynical-humor

I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #politics #humor

When I opened the last [401k] statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell two feet, so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that was the required reaction to extreme financial turmoil in America. And I am nothing if not patriotic. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor #humor

A single original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings ↗

— Diogenes of Sinope

#humor #humor

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same. ↗

— Will Cuppy

#consciousness #humor #intelligence #humor