#d

You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger? ↗

— Kendare Blake

#murder #sarcasm #funny

I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over my head somewhere. “Etruscan snoods?” I glow quietly inside. Some accomplishments mean more than others. I am officially the Shit. Now and forever. “Dude, watch your question marks. I just pried one out of you.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Admit it, you lost your eternal fecking composure.” “You have an obsession with a delusion about how I end my sentences. What the fuck are Etruscan snoods?” “Dunno. It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam!’ ” “Strawberries.” “Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’ ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#fever-series #funny #iced #ryodan #funny

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#grover-underwood #reed-pipe #funny

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #trust #funny

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#funny #jenna #sarcastic #funny

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do. ↗

— Sean Covey

#children #funny #parents #funny

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#general-hospital #gh #funny

How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper." "He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented." Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled. Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented." "Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong. Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#kaylee #tod #totally-unexpected #funny

Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this." I cringed. "I'm so sorry." "I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak." "It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life. ↗

— Jaye Wells

#funny #giguhl #haircut #sabina #funny

They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#claire-danvers #funny #humor #myrnin #rachel-caine