#d

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here. ↗

— Alan Rickman

#comedy #humor #humor

Be easy on yourself. Have fun. Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it. ↗

— Amy Poehler

#comedy #fun #humor #life #positive

everything is relative. you, for instance, are my relative. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#wodehouse #humor

My boss is like an angry bear with a sore head and poison ivy up his ass. ↗

— E.L. James

#fifty-shades-darker #humor #humor

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. ↗

— Lewis Grizzard

#drinking #humor #humor

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it's usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble. ↗

— Mercedes Lackey

#relationships #unrequited-love #humor

I never understood why you would ever feel the need to shoot the fish in the barrel. I mean, they're in a barrel, you've already caught them. The hard work's done, they can't escape. So if you want them dead, just drain the water out. Why bring guns into it? ↗

— Craig Silvey

#humor #redundancy #humor

Add children to the list of things I hate. ↗

— Lauren Morrill

#humor #humor

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what could have been. It’s too unbearable. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor #life #humor

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. ↗

— Sam Logan

#humor #santa #satan #humor