#dr

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ascanio #awesome #church #funny #hilarious

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #bizarre #drink #freeze #froze

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#box #deer #driving #funny #humor

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#disgusting #funny #marriage #funny

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do. ↗

— Sean Covey

#children #funny #parents #funny

You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry." "How do you make girls cry, exactly?" George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #george #ilona-andrews #the-edge

Low-functioning savants don’t qualify to be human calculators, just ballpark announcers. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #savant-syndrome #funny

Drug addicts are so funny that way. Just spinning around, lost in their own little world. Doing so much, accomplishing so little. How sad. ↗

— James St. James

#drugs #james-st-james #party-monster #funny

I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.' 'You are very considerate to explain it this way,' Sugreeva said, 'but I was drunk ↗

— R.K. Narayan

#funny #ramayana #funny

Ever notice how amused people are when you point out one of their mannerisms or a funny quirk about them? They start laughing and getting happy because they're thinking, "People notice me! I'm relevent!" It's OK to have these instincts, but you have to suppress them a bit. There are 6 billion people here, so it's not all about you. You need to let other people talk for a while and pay attention to their world for a sec. ↗

— Lesley Arfin

#true-stories-drugs #funny