#funny

Count yourself fortunate." He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. "Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth. ↗

— Lynn Viehl

#humor #vampire #funny

There were dumplings on the train, sold by grim men and women with deep lines cut into their faces by years and worry and hunger and misery. This was the provinces, the outer territories, the mysterious China that had sent millions of girls and boys to Canton to earn their fortunes in the Pearl River Delta. Matthew knew all their strange accents, he spoke their strange Mandarin language, but he was Cantonese, and these were not his people. Those were not his dumplings. ↗

— Cory Doctorow

#funny #humor #funny

Prayers For Rain' begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that's longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put on 'Prayers For Rain,' then cook an omelette in the time it takes him to start singing. He seems to have a rule that the creepier the song, the longer the wait before it actually starts. I'm not sure if Smith spends the intro time applying eye-liner or manually reducing his serotonin level, but one must endure a lot of doom-filled guitar patterns, cathedral-reverb drums and modal string synth wanderings during the opening of 'Prayers for Rain. ↗

— Tom Reynolds

#music #funny

Alas! Charles made the promise glibly, and forgot all about it. ↗

— Whipplesnaith

#funny #promise #funny

Everything is funny from some angle, I assure you it is. It's just a matter of where you're standing. ↗

— Charlie Fletcher

#funny

He shook his head, but I kept flattering him, telling him how fine his beard was, how fair his skin was (ha!), how it was obvious from his nose and forehead that he wasn't some pig herd who had converted, but a true-blue Muslim who had flown here on a magic carpet all the way from Mecca, and he grunted with satisfaction ↗

— Aravind Adiga

#funny #funny

He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James ↗

— Marthe Jocelyn

#marthe-jocelyn #funny

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd ↗

— Marthe Jocelyn

#funny #james #marthe-jocelyn #funny

It sounds like a horse,' Alice thought to herself. And an extremely small voice, close to her ear, said, 'You might make a joke on that—something about "horse" and "hoarse," you know. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#funny

You took advantage of me while I was sleeping," she said breathlessly. "That's not fair." Gentry's hand moved over her hip in a slow circle."I seldom play fair. It's usually easier to cheat." A sudden laugh bubbled in Lottie's throat. "You are the most shameless man I've ever encountered." "Probably," he conceded, pushing her hair aside and lowering his smiling mouth to the back of her neck. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#naughty-funny #funny