#funny

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #productive #reproductive #funny

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#friends #funny #suze-simon #funny

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips." He sifted his fingers through my hair. "I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon, because its light touches you in all the ways I cannot. ↗

— Michele Bardsley

#love #sweet #funny

Because when i first saw you i thought-no, i knew- you were special. Because i still think that every time i look at you. Because i think you're smart and funny and brave. But most of all" he grins at me- "because i like questions." -Greg ↗

— Elizabeth Scott

#funny #romantic #funny

Breathe! Breathe! I urged Lily. You can do this naturally. Fuck that. I want my epidural as soon as we get there. ↗

— Erica Orloff

#funny

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy, I had all the walls knocked down. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp. ↗

— Haven Kimmel

#funny

The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens ↗

— Jana Oliver

#funny #the-demon-trappers #funny

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#age #cannibal #cannibalism #death #food