#funny

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#doctor #funny #funny-quotes #humor #humor-quotes

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#prison #food

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bacon #funny #humor #love #surreal

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world. ↗

— Artie Lange

#being #big #boss #funny #got

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#blood #book #fantasy #food #funny

Caroline, do you value your neck?" "Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?" "Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#funny

When something is truly funny, it's funny all the time. ↗

— Cloris Leachman

#something #time #truly

Nothing conceals a woman's age like musky perfume. It makes her smell as ancient as Persia. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #perfume #women #age

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. ↗

— Denis Leary

#away #becomes #been #believes #bill