#funny

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny #humor #incentive #inspirational #interesting

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. ↗

— Lili St. Crow

#funny-as-hell #funny-quotes #funny-stuff #humor #humor-work

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #ideas #random #funny

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dental-insurance #friendship #funny #humor #life

Was it a camp?" Daniel asked. Sean nodded. "A naturist camp." "Maya will feel right at home", Corey said from his spot on a wooden lawn chair. Daniel sputtered a laugh and Sean tried to hide his. "Naturist, not naturalist," I said. "It means nudist." Corey leaped up and spun. "You mean old, naked butts sat on those chairs? ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor-funny #home

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ↗

— George Bernard Shaw

#humor #optimism #pessimism #funny

Are you in charge here?" the man asks. "No, but I'm full of ideas! ↗

— Dr. Who

#dr-who #funny #funny-and-random #ideas #management

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#avoiding #evasive #fear #funny #humor

Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #funny #humor #jace-lightwood

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#efficiency #entitled #entitlement #funny #government