#hum

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal." Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#friendships #humor #sex #friendship

I want you back, Annabelle.” This time my laughter is full of nothing but genuine humor. It’s that ‘oh my god, I can’t believe that’ kind of humor. I lean forward and put my face in my palms, still laughing. “Holy crap,” I say in-between laughs, “that’s hilarious.” I peek up at him to see his disgruntled expression and then bust up laughing again.  “I’m serious,” he grunts out, looking cute in his exasperation, damn him. Not done, I hold up a hand. “Oh, oh, wait. Just let me go get my gun so you can shoot me again. Of course I want to get back together with you, Gabriel.” Putting on a serious face, I say earnestly, “He shoots me because he loves me. ↗

— April Brookshire

#gabriel #humor

I honestly can’t tell you. We’ve never had a situation like this before, “I admitted. “So you being an angel doesn’t meam…” He hesitated. “Doesn’t mean I have an answer for everything,” I concluded for him. “I just assumed it would be one of the perks.” “Sadly, no. ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#humor

Kope!” the other guy yeled. “What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?”“Seriously!” insisted Blake. “How did you run so fast?” “I am African.” Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#humor

And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. ↗

— Evan Esar

#guilt #humor #humor

This is a little awkward," I said, "but my mother just ran over the rabbit." "Ran over?" "As in roadkill. We're not sure what to do about it." "Where are you?" "Giovichinni's, buying lunch meat." "And the rabbit?" "Gone. He was with two other guys. They scooped him up off the road and drove away with him." There was a long silence on the phone. "I'm fucking speechless," Morelli finally said. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

Now get some clothes on before the women around here are driven into a frenzy." He gave me a mournful look. "I'm afraid that'll happen with or without clothes, my dear. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor

Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!" "Goodnight mom! ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#scifi #humor

It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#inspirational #life #humor