#hum

I've got everything ready to go," I said once he was finally awake and dressed. All the tenderness and vulnerability was gone from his face when he said, "Go where?" "America?" His eyes narrowed. "This is America." "This is Canada." "Which is in North America." Silly Canadians wanting be part of the Cool Kids Club. ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#funny-quotes #funny

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#bad-company #bad-influence #evil #evil-people #evil-thoughts

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first! ↗

— Susan Kay

#funny #humor #ironic #irony #satire

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #greatness #humor #obscurity #funny

If you marry an abortion doctor you won't have to be ashamed to tell your children they're adopted. ↗

— Bauvard

#adoption #funny #humor #funny

If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place. ↗

— Aviva Moore

#humor #inspirational #funny

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

Low-functioning savants don’t qualify to be human calculators, just ballpark announcers. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #savant-syndrome #funny

He's a good boy, he takes instruction well; I just can't think of enough things to tell him not to do. ↗

— Ferrol Sams

#humor

Ah, James, our James," she says, sounding wistful. "Can't live with him, can't kill him slowly enough." - Callie (pg. 141) ↗

— Cody McFadyen

#humor