#hum

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
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— Jarod Kintz

#coffee #funny #hold #humor #jockstrap

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lust #mirrors #naked

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #high-definition #humor #original #webster-s

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background? Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments. ↗

— Emma Chase

#funny-smut #humor #romance #funny

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ↗

— Samuel Johnson

#funny #humour #review #funny

Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—” “Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?” “No!” “Me neither,” Leo admitted. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #leo-i-love-you-ok #lol #trust #funny

I always pass on good advice, it is the only thing to do with it.It is never of any use to oneself. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #humor

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.” “Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#arrogant #call-me-irresistible #funny #humour #sep