#hum

friends don't threaten friends' distributor caps ↗

— C.E. Murphy

#humor

Dear Complete and Utter Stranger, The first thing that I have to say is that I hate oatmeal. I really hate it. And you know what? If you like oatmeal at all? I mean even the tiniest bit? I mean, say you were lost in the Himalayas, right, and you hadn't eaten anything except a Mars Bar for about seven years, right, and you're really cold and your fingers are all dropping off, right, and you look behind this rock, and there's this bowl of oatmeal? Say you would even think about eating the oatmeal? Well, JUST DON'T BOTHER WRITING TO ME, OKAY? ↗

— Jaclyn Moriarty

#humor

You came after me. Against the geas, you came after me.” He felt the shifting of muscle behind him as Bloodraven shrugged. “You ride like a pregnant woman. I feared for the horse. ↗

— P.L. Nunn

#humor

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. ↗

— William Faulkner

#writers #humor

I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they? ↗

— Matt Groening

#humor

James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard? ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#will-herondale #humor

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out? ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #humor

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blot-out #cloud #funny #humor

Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean.... ↗

— Brian Jacques

#humor #humor