#hum

We have to actually choose a name," Kane murmured above her head. "We can't keep calling him 'baby.' When he's fifteen he might resent it. ↗

— Christine Feehan

#children #humor #humor

Bein' rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo' tongue fly outta yo' mouth and smack yo' brains out. ↗

— Paula H. Deen

#humor #southern #food

Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I might be a vampire so I don't give a shit. I'll heal ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor #vampire #humor

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Angels and demons are shaped by humans. Even god is shaped by humanity. Who you are has been codified by the humans around you… family, friends, and even enemies. ↗

— Ben Tousey

#demons #humanity #family

Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#humor

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia's son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated way too much for a healthy child; but then Garnett, given his propensity for biting teachers and catching chipmunks in the backyard only to bury them alive, was no normal kid. He was a case study for sociopathic behavior in the making. A walking, talking, farting, sweaty, odorous, chipmunk-burying cry for help. ↗

— Richard J. O'Brien

#family-relationships #humor #sociopath #family

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crap #family #feces #funny #humor

They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know? ↗

— Julie Kenner

#food #god #hamburgers #humor #food