#hum

Baptists: I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#religion #humor

The kakapo is a bird out of time. If you look one in its large, round, greeny-brown face, it has a look of serenely innocent incomprehension that makes you want to hug it and tell it that everything will be all right, thought you know that it probably will not be. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#kakapo #science #humor

Hail to the Victorious Parasol! ↗

— Gail Carriger

#humor

That could be a very sexy story. ↗

— LynDee Walker

#humor #mystery #news #reporter #women

I once met a man who was paranoid about dying, so i shot him ↗

— Mark Brandon Read

#humor

It was the only way to silence you.” She bristled with outrage. “Silence me? You took liberties with my … my … my lips in order to silence me? That was very impertinent of you, Laird. I won’t allow you to do it again.” 6/756 He smiled and folded his arms over his chest. “Aye, you will.” Her mouth gaped open in astonishment and then worked up and down as she struggled to speak. “I assure you I won’t.” “I assure you that you will. ↗

— Maya Banks

#humor

Does it hurt now?" he asked, his tone rough and seductive. "No." She shook her head again and sighed, trying to pretend his touch didn't make her uncomfortably wet. He grinned. "So...what's with the heavy breathing? ↗

— Eden Summers

#humor #passion #humor

I opened my mouth to respond, then decided to do that thing where you think before you speak. ↗

— Jessi Kirby

#humor

I think he could handle being used. It would be good for him. He's having trouble sleeping. ↗

— Victoria Dahl

#romance #humor

They didn't just live with secrets. Secrecy surrounded their entire lives. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#secrets #humor