#hum

possibly, mrs. laird...i'd say. except he's dead, you see. well, not completely dead. he's more of a resurrected god. he judges mortal spirits and feeds the hearts of the wicked to his pet monster.oh, and he has blue skin. i'm sure he'd make quite an impression on career day, for all those students aspiring to grow up and become ancient egyptian deities ↗

— serpent's shadow Rick Riordan

#osiris #sadie-kane #humor

Granny Weatherwax was not a good loser. From her point of view, losing was something that happened to other people. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#losing #humor

I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism. ↗

— Veronica Blade

#growing-up #humor #humorous #humor

So there I was, with the two hottest girls on campus, having lunch. I was "the man", the envy of every other guy in our school. Buddy, I was miserable." -Bryce Loski ↗

— Wendelin Van Draanen

#flipped #humor #humor

The humans were sitting cross-legged on the floor in a circle of soldiers, pointing at things and learning more Chimaera words: salt, rat, eat, which unfortunate combination led to Zuzana rejecting the meat on her plate. "I think it's chicken," Mik said, taking a bite. "I'm just saying there were a lot more rats around here earlier." "Circumstantial evidence." Mik took another bite and said, in passable Chimaera and to guffaws of laughter, "Salty delicious rat." "It's chicken," insisted one of the Shadows That Live. Karou wasn't sure which it was, but she was flapping her arms like wings, and even producing chicken bones to prove it. ↗

— Laini Taylor

#days-of-blood-and-starlight #humor #laini-taylor #mik #zuzana

Hope is nice. Fucking useless in this situation, but still nice. You have one sentence before you start bleeding. Make it good. ↗

— Lauren Stewart

#humor

You've got an awfully kissable mouth. ↗

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

#flapper #humor #kiss #kissing #kissing-quotes

Sometimes if you have a difficult decision to make, just stall until the answer presents itself. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #humor

Honey, if the man is that dense, you can drag that cot he been sleepin' on into your room, nab his clothes, and lay in wait for him. When he comes lookin' for his things, lock the door and settle the matter once and for all. ↗

— Karen Witemeyer

#sneaky #women-having-fun #humor

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd’s hand on my arm. 'You’ll thank me later.' No doubt I would. ↗

— Ophelia London

#sexy-humor #humor