#hum

Don't be bashful; we're among gentlemen. It's a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig. ↗

— Carlos Ruiz Zafón

#men #wisdom #humor

Aspirin?” I asked. It came out sounding a lot like ass spoon, but Zayvion seemed fluent in mumbleze. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor

Or, I could just sit in the bushes and pump the hand pump until the plumbing was superpressurized to 110 psi. This way, when someone goes to flush a toilet, the toilet tank will explode. At 150 psi, if someone turns on the shower, the water pressure will blow off the shower head, strip the threads, blam, the shower head turns into a mortar shell. Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style behavior. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#humor

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor

You already alone. If you want more alone, I can knock you into the middle of next week, and leave you there. ↗

— Toni Morrison

#humor

My dear dead mother wanted me to go into an honorable trade, like grave robbing. Would I listen? No. Be an assassin, like your uncle Gustav, she said. Would I pay heed? No. Apprentice to the Necromancer― ↗

— Raymond E. Feist

#humor #humor

God doesn't do notes, either. Did Jesus Christ say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No! ↗

— Alan Bennett

#the-history-boys #humor

I’ll leave before anyone wakes up. Promise.” “They’ll hear us,” I said, my heart pounding in growing panic. “I’ll take off my boots.” “How will that help you keep your mouth shut while we have sex? ↗

— Missy Welsh

#humor

You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee ↗

— Micah Amyx

#humor #pee #reality #humor

If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#humor