#hum

Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him? ↗

— Bill Watterson

#hobbes #humor #puddle #reflection #humor

Ew. Someone put the dog out, "Rosalie murmured wrinkling her nose. Have you herd this one, Psycho? how do a blond's brain cells die?" She didn't say anything. Well?" I asked."Do you know the punch line or not?" She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me. Has she heard it?" I asked Edward. No." He answered. Awesome. So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker--a blond's brain cells die alone. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history. ↗

— Aldous Huxley

#history #human-nature #humor #reality #humor

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#bad-mood #clothes #dejection #humor #humor

You look as scary as a buttered muffin. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#harmlessness #humor #tortall #humor

Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #funny #humor #jace-lightwood

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#efficiency #entitled #entitlement #funny #government

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile. ↗

— Spider Robinson

#science-fiction #social-commentary #humor

I'll find you, don't worry. My body won't be with you all the time, but you'll always have my heart. I'm your worrier, remember?" "I'll never forget. I promise. I'm your High Priestess and you've pledged yourself to me. That means you have my heart, too." "Then both of us better stay safe. A heart's a hard thing to live without. I should know. I've tried it. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#romance #humor