#hum

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

My parents are going to kill me!" "That seems rather harsh... ↗

— Garth Nix

#humor #paranoia #parents #humor

My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-' 'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280 ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor

...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #vampire #humor

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope, no harm; just another false alarm ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health. However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?" Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches. ↗

— Salvador Dalí

#dalí #humor #mustache #humor

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#humor #hush-hush #vee-sky #humor

Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?" "It sucked." "Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks. "It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor #perfect-chemistry #sarcasm #humor

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so. ↗

— Diana Wynne Jones

#humor #humor

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle. ↗

— Heather Brewer

#humor #humor