#hum

Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags. ↗

— Eva Hart

#growing-up #humor #life #single-parenting #family

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

‎Does anyone truly understand females? ...Their behavior is opposite of everything in the natural order and flies in the face of logic. ↗

— Mary Lydon Simonsen

#females #human #lydon #mary #mr-darcy

Mijn vader houdt van jazz en heeft een uitgebreide verzameling platen en banden waarvan hij vroeger als hij uit zijn werk kwam kon genieten. Hij kon met een rothumeur binnenkomen, maar als hij Dexter Gordon had opgezet en zichzelf een wodkacocktail had ingeschonken, ebde zijn stress snel weg en werd alles ‘te gek, jongen, gewoon te gek.’ Op het moment dat de naald op de plaat neerdaalde, maakt hij zijn das los en werd hij iemand anders dan degene die hij daarvoor was geweest, een conservatieve ingenieur met in zijn borstzakje een stel ibm-pennen met het opschrift denk na. ↗

— David Sedaris

#jazz #platen #family

Or you can fake your own death," Bill suggested. "Because really, that's the most cathartic resolution—if all your friends and family think you're dead. Everyone cries, they have a little rant about all your potential going to waste, they put on a memorial service and you can hide and see who bothers to come—and if you're really lucky, they bury an empty coffin. When they couldn't even be bothered to spot you a twenty 'til payday. You know how much booze you could buy for the cost of a single coffin? ↗

— Jordan Castillo Price

#death

She Snores," said Siku, looking at me. "You better get earplugs. That kind of thing runs in the family." I opened my mouth, glancing at Caleb, whose eyes got wide in disbelief. Had Siku made a joke? I was too dumbfounded to reply. ↗

— Nina Berry

#romance #family

Don't ever trust men with good intentions. They'll always disappoint you." Leo ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#truth #humor

Save the Earth...it's the only planet with chocolate ↗

— Dianne Castell

#humor

Seriousness is for fools and poor destitute families who have lived their entire lives on spam. ↗

— Jason Krumbine

#seriousness #family

Christmas is the season when most folks kill themselves/Christmas is the reason for all these stupid bells ↗