#hum

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out? ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #humor

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blot-out #cloud #funny #humor

Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean.... ↗

— Brian Jacques

#humor #humor

Life isn't all fricasseed frogs and eel pie. ↗

— C.S. Lewis

#pessimism #puddleglum #humor

For people who like that kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they like. ↗

— Max Beerbohm

#misattributed-abraham-lincoln #humor

I'm allergic to rocks hitting me in the face. ↗

— Mike Rowe

#humor #rocks #humor

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what. ↗

— Stephen Fry

#philosophical #politics #wisdom #humor

I stick to Raffe as close as I can manage without having to explain why I'm hugging his back. ↗

— Susan Ee

#humor

What just like that? You're not going to tell the chicken plucker you're leaving?" "She already knows," Grimalkin said picking his way across the yard. "And incidentally, 'the old chicken plucker' can hear every word you say, so I suggest we hurry. After she is done with the fowl, she intends to come after you as well. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor #puck #humor

This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor