#hum

Going to jail is the failure of the individual to realize his limitations as a criminal. Recidivism is the failure of his friends to compensate for those limitations as a team. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #jail #prison #redicivism

The earth must be flat – there's a dunce in every corner of it I travel to. ↗

— Bauvard

#flat-earth #funny #humor #stupidity #funny

If you have an enemy, just shake his hand. Then he’ll be a sworn enemy. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #handshakes #humor #oaths #funny

Mister Dresden," he said. "And Miss Rodriguez, I believe. I didn't realize you were an art collector." "I am the foremost collector of velvet Elvii in the city of Chicago," I said at once. "Elvii?" Marcone inquired. "The plural could be Elvises, I guess," I said. "But if I say that too often, I start muttering to myself and calling things 'my precious,' so I usually go with the Latin plural. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#art

Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' — or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#funny-and-random #humor #niceness #funny

Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #growing-up #humor #sperm #funny

Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you’d sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need? ↗

— Jayde Scott

#funny

A jealous woman does better Research than the FBI. ↗

— Aetiyuel Williams

#humor #funny

Boys don’t gossip.” “Pah! You don’t know us as well as you think.” This was a disturbing prospect. ↗

— Jennifer Echols

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #funny

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal the brick. And because the brick won’t get stolen, it’s proof that it deterred thieves from approaching your property.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny