#hum

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#father #firefighting #heaven #hell #humor

You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me! ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#police #humor

Harry, we saw Uranus up close!” said Ron, still giggling feebly. “Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha — ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently ↗

— Sarah MacLean

#humor #sarah-maclean #the-season #wit #humor

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now. ↗

— Morrissey

#rock-and-roll #humor

...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless. ↗

— Ransom Riggs

#humor

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#romance #taco #humor

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid. ↗

— Robert Fulghum

#humor

Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#heroism #humor #humor

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. -Artemis Fowl ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor