#hum

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else. ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

People can be so emotionally unintelligent. When I ask them how they’re doing they just make brusque comments like “I’m good, thanks.” After years of trying to get cashiers to talk about their feelings and having to deal with the bottled-up aggression of the customers behind me, I’ve lost all faith in humanity’s ability to connect with each other at the checkout counter. ↗

— Bauvard

#cashiers #funny #humor #faith

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

The most important thing to remember is that the safe word is for the client; you bring mace. ↗

— Isa K.

#funny #humor #safe-words #funny

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#corrupt #corruption #country #funny #humor

Dalai Lama: an oriental pope who sells his followers indulgences that take effect after ten thousand lifetimes. ↗

— Bauvard

#dalai-lama #funny #humor #funny

You must be a blast on long car rides.” “Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#funny #humor #michael #sarcasm #sex

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment. ↗

— Bauvard

#cynicism #disillusionment #funny #growing-up #humor

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE ↗

— Andy Ostrom

#cooking #entertaining #etiquette #funny #humor