#hum

I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down my window, and said, “Do you realize I could have killed you?” “It was stupid of me to run out in front of you,” he said. “Yeah, it was,” I replied. “But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder. ↗

— J.Leigh Hunter

#erotica-romance #humor #romance-funny #romance-novels #sex

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover! ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#back-covers #book #book-cover #book-cover-quotes #book-covers

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cops #funny #humor #mustache #police

I want to broadcast your poem to me over the radio so everyone will know we love each other just as deeply as the people in pop songs. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #poetry #pop-songs #radio #funny

I can't afford my principles. I borrow them from unimpeachable people and return them to undependable people. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #morality #principles #funny

I am a foreigner, but I like to hide the fact. I'd rather people be prejudiced against my personality. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #personality #prejudice #racism

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #intelligence #people #stupidity #humor

If marshmallows can bring campers together in fellowship, they can unite lovers. That is why they are eaten under the stars, to give horoscopes their influence. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #marshmellows #funny

The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one. ↗

— Bauvard

#dinner #funny #gossip #humor #table-manners