#hum

They think my mother's ashes are marijuana. ↗

— Graham Greene

#humor

They mean hot like 'I'm too good for you I got my own money don't be frontin' me.' You're more like 'Be my boyfriend I'll make you cookies come meet my dad ' know what I mean ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#girls #humor #humor

You‟re my mate. Think you can handle that?” It was hard to speak with her heart bursting open. “Think you can handle me?” “So long as you're gentle with me.”" Emmett to Ria - Whisper of sin ↗

— Nalini Singh

#love #nalini-singh #humor

All right. Let's give you something to tell your grandkids about. Or great-grandkids. Or great-great-grandkids." I snort with glee, delirious with excitement. Charlie winks and pours me another finger's worth of whiskey. Then, on second thought, he tips the bottle again. I reach out and grab its neck. "Better not," I say. "Don't want to get tipsy and break a hip. ↗

— Sara Gruen

#water-for-elephants #humor

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

Where there is a will to conquer a man, there is a way to conquer a man. ↗

— Delilah Marvelle

#humor

I try to keep in mind” I recite dryly as I run the front sight of my pistol over his face, “that my life is only as significant, as I am to the lives of others.” He’s sobbing and won’t look up from the floor so I lean close to his ear and ask softly, “Would you say that I’m significant to your life? ↗

— Dennis Sharpe

#dark-humor #torture #humor

V tired to imagine giving up his proclivities. "My monster needs to get out. Especially now. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor

Don't you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That's why they're so smart. Their brains had longer to develop. ↗

— Jeannette Walls

#humor #humor

[Mrs. Allen was] never satisfied with the day unless she spent the chief of it by the side of Mrs. Thorpe, in what they called conversation, but in which there was scarcely ever any exchange of opinion, and not often any resemblance of subject, for Mrs. Thorpe talked chiefly of her children, and Mrs. Allen of her gowns. ↗

— Jane Austen

#humor