#hum

Your name is Chet? Chet the Celestial Being?" "Look," he says. "I don't need this." "Do you really think I'm becoming a vampire?" "You are becoming a vampire. Within a few months, you'll be a killer." He moves to rise. "Damn," says Chet the Celestial Being. "I am unused to physical existence and my leg has fallen asleep." (pg. 39) ↗

— M.T. Anderson

#humor

Anyone can have an off decade. ↗

— Larry Cole

#humor #losers #self-effacement #humor

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit ↗

— Kin Hubbard

#circus #humor #humor

Playing video games and making comics didn’t look like raw materials for success. In fact, what we were doing looked very similar to fucking around. ↗

— Jerry Holkins

#humor

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to Lady Agatha, said everything that he had to say before he was thirty. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#reticence #silence #humor

I looked down at the brochure nearest me."We're going to Nigeria," I threatened. "I hope you like elephant polo." -Liberty Jones ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor #liberty #sugar-daddy #humor

As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only antidote for melancholia is action. However, like most melancholics, I suffer also from sloth. ↗

— Edward Abbey

#cures #depression #depression-humor #modern-life #humor

Biting enemies seems to be acceptable in a surprisingly narrow range of circumstances, or so a ninja shouted at me once ↗

— Steve Aylett

#humor

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live... ↗

— David Sedaris

#funny #humor #joke #funny

Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me. ↗

— Jim Benton

#diary #dumb #humor #teacher #humor