#hum

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened. ↗

— Michel de Montaigne

#inspirational #humor

A wise man once said, never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment. ↗

— Frank Zappa

#humor

You like them," I realized. Noah's eyebrows lifted in question. "Like as people." "As opposed to...furniture?" "They're my PARENTS." "That is my understanding, yes. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#sarcasm #humor

Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.' 'Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others. 'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#sexism #humor

And then, in boating supplies, Margo located an air horn. She took it out of the box and held it up in the air, and I said, "No," and she said, "No what?" And I said, "No don't blow the air horn," except when I got to the b in blow, she squeezed on it and it let out an excruciatingly loud honk that felt in my head like the auditory equivalent of an aneurysm, and then she said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. What was that?" And I said, "Stop b-" and then she did it again. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humor

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#politics #humor

Maybe if God gives you a handicap, he makes sure you've got a few extra doses of humor to take the edge off. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humor

Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?" Minho asked, pulling Thomas's attention away from Alby. "Go ahead" Newt replied. Minho nodded and faced the crowd. "Be careful," he said dryly. "Don't die.” "Great. We're all bloody inspired." Newt said. ↗

— James Dashner

#humor

Sure am glad I'm not royalty," I muttered. "I wouldn't want to have to bump uglies with someone I can't stand. On a regular basis. And no one else." "Ow!" I exclaimed, trying to yank my fingers from Trent but finding them caught. Then I colored, realizing what I'd said. "Oh… sorry," I stammered, meaning it. "That was insensitive." Trent's frown turned into a sly smirk. "Bump uglies?" he said, eyes on the table behind me. "You are a font of gutter slang, Rachel. We must do this again. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#relationships #humor

Parallel tough-guy nods. Man fix boat! Man be strong! "What now?" I asked, hoping to divert the two from actually beating their chests. ↗

— Kathy Reichs

#virals #humor