#hum

I visualized myself pulling on my mental thinking cap, jamming it down around my ears as I had taught myself to do. It was a tall, conical wizard's model, covered with chemical equations and formulae: a cornucopia of ideas. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#inspirational #intelligence #humor

I can’t help but notice that you keep writing love poetry to my wife. Well, you see, I married her, which makes her my wife. You know what you might want to try? Writing some poems about the sunset. The sunset isn’t fucking married. ↗

— A.J. Jacobs

#marriage #poetry #humor

Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as a handy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will find information on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learning about your future, a word about our past… —From The Guide for the Newly Undead ↗

— Molly Harper

#vampire #humor

This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor

Latin is already a dead language, man... don't make it any deader. ↗

— Jerry Scott

#language #latin #zits #humor

There's too much of that where-every-prospect-pleases-and-only-man-is-vile stuff buzzing around for my taste. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity. ↗

— John Kennedy Toole

#humour #humor

Believe in your heart. That's what I always do. ↗

— Napolean Dynamite

#humor

...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums. ↗

— Steve Martin

#humor

I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is fifty shades messed up. Why is it so kinky and out of control? I need to stop sleeping with it wet. As I brush my long brown hair, the girl in the mirror with the brown eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait... my eyes are blue! It dawns on me that I've been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is fine. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor