#hum

Steal not this book for fear of shame For on it is the owners name And when you die the Lord will say Where is the book you stole away And when you say you do not know The Lord will say go down below. ↗

— L.M. Montgomery

#humor #poem #punishment #stealing #humor

Sophie held the [hand]cuffs higher, hopint to instill some sense of shame, if not in him, then at least in herself. One look at him and she wanted him again. "I found them in the bed." "That makes sense," Phin said. "That's where I lost them." "I'd ask what you were doing with them," Sophie said, trying not to sound bitchy, "but I probably don't want to know, do I?" "Sure you do. It was exciting and different and depraved." Phin nodded toward the stairs. "Go put them someplace we can find them, and I'll show you later. ↗

— Jennifer Crusie

#sex #humor

If I hired one of the stock boys to chase me around the store with a licorice whip, I'd be thin by Christmas. ↗

— Jennette Fulda

#weight-loss #humor

When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn't think anyone would notice, but i persevered because like you trying to a do a nine- piece jigsaw puzzle, it was a labor of love. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks. ↗

— Cyrus the Great

#humor #life #love #philosophy #humor

Everyone is so cynical about the possibility of democracy today. But not me, I’m an idealist: democracy isn’t possible outside my own mind. According to my perceptions, this is a dictatorship. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#democracy #funny #humor #idealism #politics

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget but a pessimist forgets to laugh. ↗

— Tom Bodett

#humor

More fools know Jack Fool than Jack Fool knows. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#humor

So here's my theory, and this is such crap science, I don't have to tell you. It's science without microscopes, blood tests, or reality. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor

Anticipatory plagiarism occurs when someone steals your original idea and publishes it a hundred years before you were born. ↗