#hum

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

He hung his head. “Am I punished?” “Yes. I’m too mad to punish you right now. We’ll talk about it when we get home. Go brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on dry clothes, and get the guns. We’re going to Wal-Mart. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ilona-andrews #on-the-edge #wal-mart #walmart #home

I don't like it when I outweigh my men. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#love #women #humor

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard ↗

— Josh Stern

#flyinf #ground #hard #humor #simple

But even if they could go home it would be difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears', for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house". The moral of 'Snow White' is "Never eat apples". The moral of World War One is "Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#morals #home

The past twelve weeks had been a blur, and now she was about to meet her baby via ultrasound, go home with a picture of an alien baby that people would pretend was beautiful, and here she sat after drinking a liter of fluid, her panties moist from a bladder that gave up control right around the time her shoes stopped fitting. A light breeze could make her pee at this point. A sneeze would unleash a tsunami. ↗

— Julia Kent

#pregnancy #beauty

Over the past couple of months, Chantel had become a pro at leading book discussions and inventing fun games and trivia questions that all related to that particular month's book selection. Although, last month's theme, dystopian and the book selection "Matched" by Allie Condie, had the retirement home director a little concerned when everyone wanted to stop taking their medications. Not... a good... thing! ↗

— JoJo Sutis

#chantel-s-choice #humor #jojo-sutis #matched #teen-fiction

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#humor #inspirational #philosophy-of-life #psychological #humor

The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#epigram #humor #humor

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#jace-wayland #simon-lewis #humor