#humor

Try not to wake up on fire. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor

Though I wondered what she ever made of my professed love for and intentions to marry Big Bird, the hottie of Sesame Street. ↗

— Wendy Delsol

#humor #love #humor

Nothing is more terrifying to a man than an angry woman. Add a long wooden implement to the equation and the effect is profoundly unnerving. ↗

— Seán Cullen

#humor

It occured to Starling how much Roden would benefit from an elbow smash in the hinge of his jaw. ↗

— Thomas Harris

#humor

Ella was vapid and worthless at least nine-tenths of the time, but when she got really mad, her face became sharp and purposeful. Almost vicious. Like if Barbie were suddenly possessed by Atilla the Hun. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#humor

Before he sat down, my internal heat-seekers sensed what was coming my way: deep blue eyes that melted girls like Velveeta in a microwave. I tried to resist those microwave eyes, but sometimes there's no defense against them. I had a feeling I'd be seeing him weeping over my coffin later that night. ↗

— Natalie Standiford

#humor #microwaves #natalie-standiford #humor

I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take. ↗

— Elizabeth Peters

#humor

Emily smiled mischievously. "Your engagement was a rainy day occurrence? Afraid she would say no on a good day? ↗

— Devon Ashley

#humor #ordained #humor

Kelly looked at the cop, then sighed. “What a cluster. I take it you haven’t been killing young women and leaving their half-eaten bodies in the desert?” Adam was ticked. I could tell it even if he was looking like a reasonably calm businessman. Adam’s temper was the reason he wasn’t one of Bran’s werewolf poster boys. When angered, he often gave in to impulses he wouldn’t otherwise have given in to. “Sorry to disappoint you,” Adam told Kelly in silky tones. “But I prefer rabbits. Humans taste like pork.” And then he smiled. Kelly took an involuntary step backward. Tony gave Adam a sharp look. “Let’s not make things worse, if we can help it, gentlemen. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #mercy-thompson #silver-borne #tastes-like-chicken #tony

Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops. ↗

— Frank Muir

#humor #food