#humor

I can read in red. I can read in blue. I can read in pickle color too. ↗

— Dr. Seuss

#humor

why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid. Why try to make me like you? Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle? Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle? Why do you scream when I do what I did? Im a kid. ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#poetry #humor

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor

I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. ↗

— Johnny Depp

#humor

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time. "What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?" "You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#humor

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #religion #humor

Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy? ↗

— Colleen Houck

#humor

Si vas a volverte loco, vuelve te solo ↗

— Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

#humor

I sat up. Slowly. Between the belly dancing, the fire, the visit to Dave and it's aftermath, the night had taken its toll. You look like crap!" Cole said merrily. "I like the hair though." He made a camera frame with his thumbs and forefingers and in the genie voice from Aladdin said, "Now what does this say to me? Homeless women? Tornado victim? Britney Spears? I've got it! Preschooler who's misplaced her gum!" I regarded him balefully. "You're a morning person, aren't you?" You make that sound like a bad thing." Not if you stop talking. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor