#humor

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor #humor

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#humor #humor

A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and Holy Ghost on drums. ↗

— Hunter S. Thompson

#humor

Yeah! Bring it on lake!" -Coach Gleeson Hedge ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #lake #mark-of-athena #humor

Don't call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it's not sexist. ↗

— Eleanor Roosevelt

#sexism #vocabulary #humor

There you go, Harry!” Ron shouted over the noise. “You weren’t being thick after all — you were showing moral fiber! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #ron-weasley #humor

She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one. But he needed to play it cool, becase he was trending into lame-o land at a quick pace. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check. ↗

— James Howe

#homosexuality #humor #humor

The Torment turned his head to him, and frowned. "Who are you?" "I'm... sorry? It's me, it's Vaurien. Vaurien Scapegrace. I... built the cellar for you?" "Oh," the Torment said. "You. Why are you back? I thought you were dead. It would have been nice if you were dead ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor